Attachment Theory in Therapy: How Early Bonds Shape Us, and How We Can Still Grow

In therapy, one of the most powerful lenses we use to understand relationships is Attachment Theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.

Attachment theory explores how our earliest caregiving relationships shape the way we bond, regulate emotions, seek comfort, and experience safety, both with others and within ourselves.

But here is the hopeful truth:

Attachment patterns are formed early.
They are not fixed forever.

How Attachment Patterns Develop

As children, we are constantly asking (without words):

·       Am I safe?

·       Do my needs matter?

·       Will someone come when I cry?

·       Am I lovable?

From repeated experiences, our nervous system forms a relational blueprint. We may develop:

·       Secure attachment – comfort with intimacy and autonomy

·       Anxious attachment – fear of abandonment, heightened sensitivity to disconnection

·       Avoidant attachment – emotional distance, self-reliance as protection

·       Disorganized attachment – confusion between safety and fear in relationships

These patterns are adaptive. They helped us survive emotionally.

However, what once protected us can later limit us, especially if we continue operating from early wounds rather than present reality.

How Attachment Shows Up in Adult Life

Attachment wounds can influence:

·       Romantic relationships

·       Friendships

·       Parenting

·       Professional dynamics

·       Self-esteem

·       Emotional regulation

And perhaps most importantly —

They influence how we relate to ourselves.

If we experienced rejection, inconsistency, or emotional absence, we may internalize that dynamic. We may abandon ourselves in the very ways we once felt abandoned.

Punch the Monkey: A Modern Attachment Story

Recently, many people were moved by the story of Punch, a baby monkey at the Ichikawa City Zoo.

Punch was rejected by his mother shortly after birth, a profound attachment rupture for a young animal. In response, zoo staff provided him with a stuffed orangutan. Observers noticed that Punch clung tightly to the plush figure, carrying it everywhere, sleeping with it, seeking comfort from it.

It was not his mother.

But it represented safety.

Connection.

Something to hold onto when biological attachment had failed.

From an attachment lens, this is deeply human.

When primary caregivers cannot meet our emotional needs, we adapt. We reach for substitutes. We attach to coping strategies, roles, achievements, people, independence, hyper-independence, substances, perfectionism, anything that creates a sense of stability.

Those “stuffed orangutans” are not weaknesses.

They are survival strategies.

But sometimes, in adulthood, we are still clinging to what once soothed us, even if it no longer fully serves us.

The Power and Responsibility of Awareness

Attachment theory offers compassion.

It explains why closeness may feel threatening.
Why distance may feel safer.
Why rejection cuts so deeply.
Why independence feels necessary.

But here is the empowering piece:

Understanding our attachment story does not mean we are trapped in it.

As adults, we have the capacity to:

·       Notice when we are reacting from old wounds

·       Regulate our nervous system

·       Choose different relational responses

·       Develop earned secure attachment

Research shows that secure attachment can be built later in life through corrective emotional experiences, including safe therapeutic relationships.

The brain is plastic.
The nervous system can recalibrate.
The inner child can experience safety in new ways.

Therapy as a Corrective Emotional Experience

In therapy, we gently explore:

·       Where did your attachment blueprint begin?

·       What did it protect you from?

·       How is it impacting your present relationships?

·       What would security feel like now?

Through mindfulness, somatic awareness, inner child healing, and relational repair, new patterns begin to form.

You learn:

I can express needs and still be valued.
I can stay connected without losing myself.
I can self-soothe without self-abandoning.
I am worthy of consistent care, including from myself.

A Gentle Reflection

Where might you still be clinging to an old “stuffed orangutan”?

What coping strategy once protected you, but may now be limiting deeper connection?

And what would it feel like to build real, reciprocal safety instead?

Attachment theory helps us understand our beginnings.

Therapy helps us choose our becoming.

And no matter how early attachment began for you, healing is always possible. 💛